UBMS 2006 Essay

        by Kaitlyn Ruark    

I am waiting for something to go wrong.

I am waiting for familiar resolve.

I am waiting for another repeat.

Another diet fed by crippling defeat.....

 The vocals of Ben Gibbard throbbed through my eardrums and seeped into my clouded mind.  Ever since I had heard the song, had actually listened to the words, it was an obvious match.  I had adopted these lyrics as my theme song, they seemed to fit perfectly with every action I had taken, including the one my parents were getting ever so closer to as we drove passed the almost mockingly vibrant green trees, and small decaying weeds scattered here and there along the roadside.  All I could do to get my mind off what lay ahead was turn the volume up to the highest setting.  I didn't know what to expect, except for the inevitable failure.  I was just waiting for something to go wrong.

 We're there, and in my mind this thought keeps occurring, like those urgent bulletins that pop up when some breaking news is leaked to the media.  But even though you know exactly what's going to go across the screen, your eyes are glued to the bulletin, and nothing else. 

 ............nothing's going to change, don't get your hopes up..........

 I had heard of UBMS through some older kids at school.  They liked it, and one my friends was applying for it, so why not?  It wasn't like I was going to really get accepted.  That way I could say, "At least I tried."  A couple months later, I got a letter and miraculously I had been accepted.  This sudden acute wave of nausea and shock ran through my body, it seemed to start at the very core of me, and slowly creep towards the surface.  This shock was mainly due to the fact that a) I never thought in a million years I'd get accepted, and b) my friend had gotten her letter a week earlier, stating that she was on the 'waiting list.'  So I was going to go somewhere I'd never been, with a bunch of teenagers, where nobody knew me, or would understand me.  And I'd be alone.  Great.

 The first day at Shawnee State, I could feel something inside me dying.  There were so many people there.  And there were several that actually seemed to know one another, had already made friends.  I was basically floating around in my own little world, not really wanting to get attached to any particular person.  Attachment always results in pain, that had been another one of my trustworthy mottos.  The next day, we had some of these 'getting to know you' activities.'  This actually gave me some time to relax and enjoy myself, for the first time in a long time.  Again no attachment, just friendly acquaintances.  The RA's seemed nice enough, and at least I was away from home.  My mind was now thinking, "Okay, I might be able to do this for awhile."

 My whole strategy of not getting attached to anyone came crashing down like Buddy Holly's plane soon enough, though I didn't quite see the flames at first.  The nosedive started one day when I was in my room, and suddenly this girl from across the hall came almost galloping into the room.  She looked at me and my roommate, and said, "Hey, I'm Jesyka, and my roommate's Gabrielle, we live over there.  Just wanted to say Hi."  And with that she was gone.  I was a bit flustered, and impressed that she had just came over and announced her presence, but the next thing I knew we had some other planned event, so I didn't think too much of the new introduction. 

 I think the first time I actually started to see the wreckage of my strategy was when one night, my roommate and the girls from across the hall decided to take a walk to Sonic.  I was in the mood for walking and had nothing better to do, so I quickly joined in.  I didn't know these people very well, so I was still on close guard of letting myself out.  As we walked and talked, something strange happened.  We started to open up to one another, and I got more and more comfortable.  "I like them, and it's a possibility they might be able to stand being around me." This thought scared me, but at the same time seemed to shed a little light.  Hopes were not up though, just in case.  We kept walking, and soon realized our trusted guide, Gabrielle, who had assured us that she knew exactly where she was going, had gotten us lost in downtown Portsmouth.  This was not a good thing, but we faced the challenge with sudden bursts of hysterical laughter and pointless jokes.  We eventually found our way to the Sonic, after talking to a civilian, and many paranoid comments made by Jesyka concerning a red truck that seemed to be at every road we crossed. 

 That night I made friends.  The red alarm in my head was going crazy,  beeping warnings of taking chances.  I let my guard down, something I swore to never do.  My mind slowly throughout the following weeks transformed it's outlook, from not getting attached and keeping to myself, to actually opening up to people, and making friends.  Throughout my UBMS experience, I met so many great people, and I am extremely glad I didn't go with my initial strategy.  Maybe Buddy Holly was meant to go down in that plane.  After all, if he hadn't, there never would have been an "American Pie."

UBMS 2006 Poem
 by Holly Forbes